Okays. So, not wanting to post this all over DA and FA ans shiz, but I do wanna talk about it. Plus hey, that’s what this sites for right?
Well anyways. I’ve had something on my mind for the longest time and I just never really felt open about talking about it until last night. Well I was chatting with my dearest friend Chelsea and something got brought up about one of my friends and his gender. Well we kinda talked about being genderqueer. Honestly, for the longest time that is how I identified, and it really is me. I mean don’t get me wrong, not changing who I am or how I feel about myself and my gender. I just think that calling it hermaphrodite was the wrong way to go about it. Again, I still feel the same, just in all, genderqueer is the proper term for it.
Anyways, it was a really pleasant conversation. I think it was because I realized that she understood me and finally saw what I did when I think of myself. I don’t know, came to terms with it? Even then it sounds like the wrong way to put it. But yes, it just felt amazing to talk to her about it and know that she understands me. Not that cause she didn’t fully get it at first made me upset, more like this just made something even better! Along with all the other things we talked about. Sometimes it just feels amazing to get all this stuff off of your chest.
But yes! So yeah. A ton of you already know about my gender and view on it. I just thought I would state openly somewhere that I just don’t care what you call me. Whether it be a he, she, or everywhere in between. As long as you know I’m me <3
mean, I actually keep these kind of things really hidden. You know when I don’t tell Gabby, Chelsea, and Foxx, there’s something with it haha. I was talking to Foxx about it too last night. I just feel so unsure about everything sometimes. And to me, I would rather sit there and chew on it rather than just come out, make a decision, say something. I never want to come off like I’m in fads nor do I want to be in one myself.
But yadah yadah. I also had fun with Gabby last night and twas fun talking to Amber, Foxx, and Krystal 8D I lurv my friends!
Gosh, I have about had it with this PETTY high school bs. Seriously I just cannot take it anymore.
So I found out I'm on another person's block list. You know how I found out? I was going to go give them some well wishes on their newest endeavor. I wrote a long comment trying to give as much support as I can, and I'm blocked... Wow. I mean I guess I'm some awful person then.
I'm so sorry, but this is my personal blog and I'll be as open as I want to be on here. Gosh, just... you're one to talk. When I knew you, I remember how much you hated it when people talked shit about you and how you claimed you would "never do that ever". Well I can't think of any other reason as to why all these people hate me out of no where. It's really sad and childish to think you go out there and make a mess of things. This isn't little boy and girl school anymore, grow the heck up. Leave dumb little drama like this at home and learn to be an adult.
I cannot stand it when people do this. Actually, the other day, a friend and I were talking about how we wished people could be civil. Why do you have to take sides? So what if person A hates person B, you can still be friends with either of them. Be an individual and choose to befriend both parties. Let me tell you, that shit hurts, not just the individual you left behind, but yourself.
You know, I can never take back what Kairi did to me. He twisted me into believing some messed up things about people. He turned me to dislike/hate/break away from Isil, Zoey, and worst of all, Chelsea. Just made me think you guys were scum (there's more too). Because of that, I really drifted from them. Hell he did it again and now I lost several friends. I burned some of my favorite things of Chelsea and I cause of the bs he whispered into my ears. I regret it all to this day. I'm glad that with Chelsea and Zoey's help I finally said screw him and rebuilt our friendships. Cause I knew that I could say no and still be friends with the people I loved.
Stop pushing people to take sides, and stop taking them! What happens between those people should stay there! Let them have issues amongst themselves, why do you have to pick who's right and wrong? There are two sides to every story you know. ...Ugh just, so sick of losing good friends, credibility, and things to someone who just apparently doesn't know how to be an adult...
Alright so yeah. I really wanted to post an update just cause I have so many people asking me about things or saying congrats for things I'm sure I don't deserve. So rather than post this all on FA, I'm posting here and on tumblr for people to read if they wish.
Alright, let me start with my job. I'm not going to tell the whole story until I know what's going on, but idk how long I will be working there. I have to wait until next week to see. I hope I do cause I could really use the money to move out and finally be able to pay rent. Among everything I need like clothes, food, new art supplies, the works yah know? I like need shoes so badly. My current ones are over 2 years old. And my freaking pj's have 2, 7in wide holes in them D:
Next thing I feel I need to address is fursuits. I've talked about this before recently and just, it's such a mess. I originally started CCP with Keitel and Kairi. Kairi and I broke up and just basically he was cut from the job cause he had yet to really do any work and we needed to get things on track. Well aside from a few bucks I spent on a book I needed asap for school (it was about $30) I did not touch ANY of the proceeds we received from our commissioners. Kairi and I gave money to Keitel for supplies as well as her half of the payment which wasn't supposed to be touched. Well when Kairi and I broke up, he took our half of the money and Keitel of course spent hers. So now I owe The Goat and Vyxie around $500 between the two of them. Thank god I found a good solution for Goat and Vyxie is being a sweetheart and waiting for me to refund her when I can.
Next would be art. I hope all of you waiting on me understand I am just going through a lot right now. I'm really just debating taking small, manageable commissions and just refunding everyone. Cause I just have so much on my plate and I want to do it all, don't get me wrong, I feel bad for making everyone wait so long. I barely have the time or the drive. I can't even work on our comic or personal art cause I'm just stressed to the point of exploding. I don't want to do anything, I mean I barely have the time to reply to mine and Foxx's rp that is basically one of my few things I love doing anymore. So, to say I hit a block and lost inspiration is an understatement.
Other than the load of art related things I have going on, I'm also dealing with the never ending personal issues and family stuff. Still not sure about my dad and his job, at least he thinks he's able to keep it for a while longer while he goes back to get his brokers licence. He also wants to get me out and driving again so I can get a license, which is hella nice. But our whole family is dealing with my grandmother who was given the next few days at most to live. She's not my blood grandmother, but she sure did a lot for me in my life and really helped get me where I am today. She gave me tons of advice when it came to art and always gave me inspiration. I'm really going to miss that woman and seeing her go is far beyond hard. I really love her.
Next to that this sounds trivial next to that news and it is, but I just have been having a lot of issues with "love" or my lack there of. Yes I know I should be over this by now but I am still fairly devastated by what happened with Kairi and I. I mean it's hard to be with someone for two years, the whole time planning on marrying this person, starting a family with them, only just to have them leave you for someone else without the slightest bit of warning. Needless to say I think I have a permanent hole in my heart that will never heal. Not to mention a ton of my shit, money, and time I will never get back. But thanks to all of that in the past, I just feel broken when it comes to love. I wont lie that I've had two people in mind I could totally see myself opening up to. But sadly, I feel nothing for them. I mean as awful as it sounds and for as much as I love them as people, the idea of finding love and putting that faith back into someone just doesn't reach me anymore. It may just be cause I haven't had time to heal or something like that, or it could be other multiple factors playing a part, who knows. All I know is that the whole idea is there, and I do feel the tension now and then. Plus with everything else in life, it just makes things harder than need be. I know it's dumb and I shouldn't worry, but I think everyone out there has felt like this before. It's hard watching all your friends have lovers and being able to enjoy that. Not to mention I'm just one of those people who like to have someone. Don't we all?
Wow I know this is probably tl;dr which is fine. I just felt like getting this shit off my chest cause I am having a rough time right now. No excuse and no lies, I do have fun too, but life really has me stressed beyond words right now. I hope everyone forgives me or can at least understand my plight. Mucho love to all and if you did take the time to read this it means a lot xD
Okays. I am like to the point where I might punch someone. Just done with all of this bs.
So long story short, Keitel and Kairi are no longer part of our suit company. Kairi got dropped and Keitel gave up and didn’t want to deal with the stress that came with the job. Now Foxx (who was never paid for any of this mind you) and I are going to finish were they left off. Both of them owe us imo. They were paid, Kairi even had most of my half of the pay, and I think they need to get with the program and pay us back.
At least Kairi has a good reason for not being able to come forth with the funds right now. I feel his situation and we’re giving him time. Keitel however has no excuse. Yes I am naming names. NOT starting drama. If you didn’t want the stigma, should have done your job. This isn’t some petty furry bs. It’s life. Be thankful I didn’t put you on artists beware.
So yes, in light of all of this, Foxx and I are taking money out of our pockets to pay people back. I need new shoes, I need new clothes, I’m probably not getting hired and I still have to help Foxx and Chris for housing and feeding me. But I’m adult enough to give Vyxie and The Goat what they deserve. I feel so bad and I can never say sorry enough. You’ll both be getting your suits and money and art.
Kay, I know this isn’t an excuse but I am sorry for the lack of commissions. Just super stressed right now. Along with this, just dealing with moving and my grandma figure has but days to weeks to live. Watching someone you love and who has done so much for you die slowly is not fun. I get to hear Jeni talk about how Mum is pulling tubes and iv’s from her while trying to fight to move is not inspiring. I’m going to go see her next week cause she means a lot to me and I wanna get as much time with her as I can before she passes on. So excuse me if by the end of the day I don’t feel like drawing porn for hours on end and I want to doodle for myself. :/
Not making excuses, I’m still working, just slowly. You have an issue with something please don’t be afraid to approach me. I’m really nice minus all of this xD I will gladly talk to you about anything you need!
Man I have not been on here in a long while. But now I have something to rant about so I will make a post.
So my dad just informed me that his broker is quiting in 2 month and if he doesn't get his brokers licence by then, both him and Jeni are out of a job. They are the only people who bring in the bulk of our home's income so this is not a good thing.
Basically I'm going to have to start doing more art and getting shit done. Cause I'm going to have to start paying for a lot around here until I move out. I plan on moving out soon but I really need to see how that goes before I can make any huge decisions. Btw, I am still applying for real jobs and when summer comes up, I'm going to shoot for grants, loans, anything I can for school and living. But in the mean time, art is the only thing I can really do to earn money on the side.
Going to try doing iron artist so I can make SOME money, even if I already feel like I have to undercharge my art :/ but gotta do what you gotta do. So if I don't talk as much, get online as much, go to many meets, you know why.
Annnnnd gets worse. Dad basically told me I have to get ready to move out by April. Foxx and Chris said I can move in if needed, but I wanted to have a job by then, ugh *head desk* So yeah, going to do a lot of living off of commissions.
Holy crap guys, best thing ever just happened to Zal, Foxx, and I. Okay so I haven't been home for a while and we came down to pick up some stuff and Fritters (my rat) we were hungry and we wanted to go to TacoBell and get some food. I brought Fritters with since I'd done it a few times before and everyone had been cool with it. SO yeah, we walk in, all's fine, util this bitch, this old ass cougar just started raging. "You can't have a rat in here, it's disgusting and a health hazard!" Yes true but she could have just said "I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable with a rat in my eating establishment. No she had to act like a fucking know it all. What with her "I'm so hawt" face XD
So you know I ignored her after making some comments, but then, then she had to go up and make a scene and got me kicked out. When they told me to leave I was cool, just walked out and waited. So when Foxx and Zal got their food we all started heading to Michael's. Well Zal saw her in the window, she was making this "Ha I won face." So with a happy face he flipped her off. Then... all hell broke loose. She came RUNNING out of TB and was like "YOU DIDN'T JUST FLIP ME OFF! You don't know who you're messing with!" Which is where the shit hit the fan. Zal mentioned how that comment was so cliché. Well she kept snapping her fingers and swerving about (which Foxx mentioned to her XD) and then she made some more useless threats. Told me she was lucky she had a kid otherwise she'd "Knock me down" I laughed so hard. So after a while we just walked away laughing.
Dude it was amazing. Best first 2011 day EVER!
This will probably be a long journal. I'll post it all in a nutshell towards the bottom XD
Okays. I'm just a bit peeved right now. Freaking hearing all this bs that Kairi has been saying. Just ugh makes me so angry inside. Like man I'm not trying to talk shit, but it just angers me that someone can be so freaking ungrateful! From what I've heard (source and such shall remain anonymous) he's basically telling people how abusive my family and I were. Hmmm.
I bet in all of this he failed to mention the time my dad rushed him to emergency care and paid for him to get treated that instant, then came to pick us up at almost 11 at night when he had work the next morning. Or how up until he went "vegan" we basically supplied all of his food, free utilities, he got free rein of the house. Ugh gosh again not to mention he was only paying a puny $150 in rent. Just sad sad. Again I don't mean to come off like a hater, but it's really frustrating having people hate you for something they don't even understand. People who weren't ever there to witness it or know anything about what happened. I mean I know none of you guys (my friends) are like that at least -_- unlike a few people who have called me a bitch and other unmentionables. Don't take sides guys, we're not in grade school anymore XD
Besides that, but a little stressful around the house. Been trying to mail stuff out but due to my post office being so far away, I can never get a ride :< So sorry for gift and art being late guys! Our outbox in my neighbor hood can barely fit a 4 inch envelope so big packages are out of the question. I promise I'm trying though <3
Bleh I don't think I'll be going to FC. Just I have so much I have to pay for right now, and I don't want to milk Anuvia and Jello dry. I have to get food and bedding for my pets, pay my dad back, and as of today I have to buy new markers and inking pens. My micron snapped last night and my red, orange, and all of my yellows are dead D: And as it is right now, after shipping out tons of stuff, I'll have about $25. Which isn't even enough to pay for gas let alone food, drinks, and other needed things. Just not worth the stress and I don't want to be a burden. At least this way I'll for sure have enough for Califur :> So I'm bummed, but not enough to let it get me down!
And last subject I'm going to touch on is my creepy crush I have lol. I think about 3 of you know about it *nods* Just gosh it's driving me NUTS! Makes me want to move out even more ;o; Maybe then I'll have a chance at this. Keep your fingers crossed for me guyz <33
Recap:Disappointed with Kairi for calling my fam and I abusive, can't afford FC, I has a crush and I want them to be mine *grabby paws*. It's looking hopeful!
Why do you sing to everybody but me? Why do I let it go on?
You've got such a music box song in my head all day long.
You fell for a girl with wild eyes, dressed in satin and lace.
She's just an empty diamond mine with moan across her face.
I can love you much better
If you can't see it you're blind
I can love you much better
And you know someday I'm going to make you mine.
You are the daydream in my eyes, there whenever I wake up
But the colors never crystallize and I never get enough
And while you kiss everybody but me, I just sit back and watch
But one day soon, I'm gonna grab you by the collar
and kiss you all I want!
I can love you much better
If you can't see it you're blind
I can love you much better
And you know someday, I'm gonna make you mine.
I can love you much better
I can love you all right.
I can love you much better
And you know someday, I'm gonna make you mine.
So yes, I put that journal on private. Not because I'm wrong, not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because a friend kindly asked me to remove it. And I love them dearly and would like to make things for them and their friends a bit easier. Still though, I'm not taking any of it back.
Enough of that though. So hmm... life eh? Mine's been pretty... decent XD I wont lie, all of this shit has my head spinning constantly. It's like every few minutes SOMEONE is poking and prodding me about it *swats* All I know is that I am sooooooo happy tonight is my last day of school til the Spring semester starts. Though not looking forward to a 100 question test and 5 essays lol let alone those freaking reports and assignments I had to work on. But they shall be over and done with tonight *throws papers in the air*
Derp, hmmm other than that, I get to go over and hang out with Foxx and Chris all weekend long!!! I'm so excited! We're going to party, go to the PS Sturday, gunna see my pals there, then we're going to do fursuit stuff and just FFFFFF so happy <3 Also, we get our tree this weekend! Then the weekend after I get to spend time with Chance who I miss dearly ;w; I love all of my friends, they're just the greatest things alive and I'm so glad I have people like them in my life. Without you guys I'd be so dead D:
Anyways, not much more to say. Got lotsa art to get done in a short amount of time XD but i can do it ~<3 Also, random and so off topic, I had a dream that everyone (well mostly everyone) from FOP and Metalocolyps were real >w< and we were all best friends and Pickles offered me drugs and I said no D: but Timmy took some speed and it was pretty freaking hilarious. BUT SO RANDOM. And like in my good old fashion sexual nature, I had sex with Vicky >:3 it was amazing and faptastic.
Mucho Love <333
I just wanted to say this to everyone.
I in no way shape or form want ANYONE to take sides when it comes to Kairi and I. That shit is childish and I will not allow it. Just cause he did this to me does NOT mean he wronged any of you. What happened between us was and is between us. Yes, I did post this online, not to rub anything in anyone's face or to start any drama, but because I had a lot of people wondering what was going on and I thought a clear description was needed.
None of what I said was a lie. Nothing was exaggerated or plumped up. I told my side of the story clearly as ever and free of all the anger and hate I had for Kairi. As I stated, there was a lot more I could have said that would have dropped jaws. And if anyone wants to question my proof, go ahead. I took pictures, however rude that might have been, but I didn't want him getting away with telling lies about me. I've gone through enough of that shit in my life and this is one thing I will NOT let someone tell me I'm wrong about.
If you think what I said was mean in any way, you can tell me to my face (or I guess my e-face) As I already said, NONE of it was a lie. As well as it was NOT posted to give Kairi a bad name. If his name is sullied, that's his own fault. Clearly he knew what he was doing and he can take what ever actions they brought up. Hopefully next time he'll think twice.
Also, let me add in, I do not hate anyone other than Kairi/James in all of this. Yes, I will admit, I do hate him. I cannot begin to stress all that I did for him and how what he did was wrong. But other than him, I don't feel jaded towards anyone else. Not Josh, none of Kairi and my mutual friends who have taken a side, no one. I just hope everyone understands where I'm coming from and that no one feels like I stepped out of bounds.